The essence of frustration is having a goal or a desire in mind and the will to achieve it…and lacking the time or resources to make it happen. I think the universe is trying  to teach me that the more I try to do without a plan, the less I actually accomplish. I may actually be learning it this time, because it seems to be working. Slowly, but working, nonetheless.

Here’s the state of things that have kept me away from updating The Blotter over the past couple of weeks: Work is hopping, which is fantastic. I’m fortunate to be working with a company that is thriving in tough times. I know that even though I am in a challenging environment where the odds of getting ahead of the work are slim to none, my efforts to get there are appreciated. Challenges are something I rarely back down from, even when they amount to a kamikaze mission to get it done or crash and burn while trying, hence I’ve been working some crazy hours trying to get caught up from a month where everyone seemed to want a good chunk of my time. While I’m getting much closer to being on top of it, I’m not there yet and it is wearing on my nerves. The things I need to do for me, my household and my passion are taking a backseat. Such is life, I know, but these have been sitting there so long, they’re starting to get rowdy and kick the back of my seat. Laundry, for example, is pretty much a lost cause. (Which, I suppose, means I really need to pare down my wardrobe.) Reading happens in the drips and drabs I can get (like sitting on the edge of my bed trying to ingest my first doses of caffeine procrastinating getting ready to go to work, or sprawled out on my yoga mat before class, or sitting at the Most Annoying Traffic Backup at the Shortest Possible Light Ever Created on my morning commute). I have been digging into audiobooks to allow me to take more in since I can listen when I finally break down and do the cleaning I’ve been ignoring or other “mindless” tasks that will let me still focus on the story and be productive (like cleaning up the new email system at work by copying and pasting and deleting and copying and pasting and deleting and copying and pasting and deleting…).

What suffers the most is the writing. Without fail, I make time for writing, but it’s significantly less than I’d like to spend doing it. I’ve been steadily working and getting anywhere from 30-60 minutes in a day at work, but the research I need to do is suffering. I’ve been stuck in one spot with a story because when I take the time in the evenings to flex my Google-fu to figure out what rune my character needs to pull to (incorrectly) validate her expectation, I get overwhelmed by the information out there that is too vague, too conflicting, and as I’m reading, I get attacked by ninja sleep and zzzzzzzzzzzz…

When I sit down to do anything after I’ve finished working, my brain is so fried there are just no creative juices left, most of them spent on creative and diplomatic ways of telling people they messed up without damaging their egos or removing the responsibility of their actions. (My goal is to teach, not destroy. I want them to leave laughing, to leave with an understanding of what they did, how they can correct it, and that there are consequences for not attempting to make those corrections.) I take yoga twice a week which is something I’m not willing to compromise because I’m doing something for myself that helps me keep my crazy hours and helps me feel better and stronger even when I’m not. Weekends are eaten up with more work or spending time with the people in my life.

I’m looking forward to the slower season at work simply because it means I’ll have more flexibility when it comes to scheduling feedback, working with the leadership team and making a more focused effort on how to tackle feedback. Also, as each agent learns from each feedback session, their calls get “easier” to coach…but before you get to the downhill side of the mountain, you have to climb hard. So I’m going to keep climbing. I’m going to set goals – realistic ones based on the time I have available. I’m going to work towards being more productive with the fallow moments of my day and make sure I’m squeezing every moment out of them. I can do this, but I have to go back to my mantra. Strength. Determination. Self-Discipline.

Deep breath. Focus. Try again. Play. Make it yours.

  1. July 27, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    Love it….I see yoga influences in there! Keep at it. In Vinyasa we look at breaking things into smaller parts. Such as there are 3 6 week periods left in the year, this next one goes til Sept 21 (my b-day), then Thanksgiving, then X-mas. Within each 6 weeks there are 3 -2 week sections….plan it to flow with what you need. Works every time!

  2. July 28, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Thank you 🙂 I’m going to keep working at it and see what happens. It’s just frustrating…I guess it’s just symptomatic of the “MTV generation” syndrome. We want it all and we want it NOW.

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